LOUIS C.K is arguably the biggest stand-up comedian in the world right now.
In the last few weeks, he’s performed three sold out shows at New York’s Madison Square Garden, a stat made even more impressive when you learn that only eight comedians have ever sold out there.
In addition to his work on stage, he’s also just released his sixth comedy special which you can download for a measly fee on his website.
The man is hilarious, and in case you’ve never heard of him, we thought we’d gift you with some of his finest one-liners.
WARNING: If you’re easily offended, probably best not to read on:
Louis C.K’s new comedy special is called Live At The Comedy Store. Source: AP
On eating: “I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself.”
On death: “I found out when I was seven that everybody dies. My grandfather told me, he said, ‘Everybody dies”. I wasn’t even talking to him. I was just trying to blow out the candles.”
On shower habits: “There are two types of people in this world; People who say they pee in the shower, and dirty fu**ing liars.”
On women: “There’s a reason it’s called Girls Gone Wild and not Women Gone Wild. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.”
Louis C.K. also has his own TV show called Louie. Source: AFP
On his physique: “I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really sh***y body.”
On arguments: “Nobody ever wins an argument. Nobody ever goes, ‘Oh, I’m wrong.’ Somebody eventually just goes, ‘Shut up. We gotta eat, so let’s shut up for a minute.’”
On mobiles: “People say, ‘My phone sucks.’ No, it doesn’t! The sh***iest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.”
On the death of his family’s dog: “It’s like a dry run for grandma.”
Louis C.K. has appeared on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee with Jerry Seinfeld. Source: Supplied
On his child discovering lying: “How do you tell a kid not to use a thing that solves every possible problem?”
On the USA: “America is like a terrible girlfriend to the rest of the world. Because when somebody hurts America, she remembers it forever ... but if she does anything bad, it’s like, ‘What? I didn’t do anything!’”
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